She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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