dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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