i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you had me at cake vodka
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
