remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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