What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
