You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
