I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
