my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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