I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize