Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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