Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
