that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
