Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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