I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
When are your genitals available?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
