There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
