LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
