There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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