yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
babies were throwing up all over the place
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
