Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
