It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
