I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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