sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
