Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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