just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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