i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize