i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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