I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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