3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize