I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
