this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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