I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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