I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
