Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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