u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
