wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
