Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
