I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
the day after is always just damage control
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
