About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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