I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
