I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
