Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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