can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
