I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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