there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
