Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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