maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
