My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
