I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
