I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
