do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
