Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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