That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
