im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
