No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
