Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
