he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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