it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
