I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
